A balancing act....

Tristan is sick again. Ugh.  They are testing him for whooping cough but don't think he has it.  DOUBLE Ugh!  Apparently all of the "brilliant" people out there who choose not to vaccinate their kids brought something back that has been gone for a long time.  To each his own and I don't want to judge but when it threatens the life of my child, I'm angry.

I struggle... a lot these days.  I struggle with wondering is my house clean enough? Do I wash my/his hand enough? Is daycare really ok for him at this age?  Am I a good enough mom?  Do I have good boundaries?  Am I too tough?  Tough enough? Does he eat enough (forget veggies... I'm still processing "enough" in general), etc. etc. etc.....

It's really, really hard for me.  I broke down today and bawled my eyes out.  My dogs licked away the tears... kind of sweet actually.  They knew something was wrong and instinctively "mothered" me.  Then Holt came in and just hugged me while I bawled.  lack of sleep doesn't usually work in my favor and this proved it.

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Tristan, I want you to know that not a day goes by that I don't contemplate my daily life and how it effects you.  Do I shelter you from the world or do I share with you?   Will you be sad that you didn't have a sibling?  Should we have another baby because of how great YOU are and two have TWO...wow. but I realize, there is no guarantee - we could get one like ME (God help us).  Plus, who can afford the diapers and dayare?  Should I go after my own business hard and fast so I can spend more time with you and less time babying two grown men?  When you hear me swear - does it sink into your little soul (ugh)? Do I shelter you enough from second hand smoke,or should I let you see it and then explain to you why it's so bad and what it can do?  Do I promote exercise enough because Mommy doesn't make healthy choices all the time.... How do I explain to you that you have a (kind of) step-brother and step-sister that you most likely won't see and that Mommy was married for a long time before she met Daddy and is *GULP* ....divorced?  YUCK.  How do I give you a good balance of faith but then allow you to choose for yourself because that's what God wants?  Silly things like... is that shirt warm enough and do I really know that the thermometer isn't broken and that you feel "warm" in my head or because you've been running around in circles for hours?  Do I enroll you in soccer AND football or do I worry that you'll get hurt and just encourage you to draw and skip sports (we all know the answer to that one) - maybe I'll encourage you to do all AND sing, AND play an instrument AND...AND...AND....????????

I could write 100 paragraphs on what goes back and forth in my mind day in and day out. I guess the purpose of this is....I love you.  I love you - you and your daddy are first with me.  I mess up...constantly... but I want you to SEE that. I don't want you to think you have a perfect life or perfect parents.  I'm not going to raise you in anything but the truth because I truly believe that "sheltering" does more harm than good.

So, as you are downstairs, sound asleep.... I won't wake you to take your meds that Daddy just got from the pharmacy, I won't wrap you in a bubble and take you out of daycare to keep "more" germs away.  But I will pray for you and take care of ME... because a healthy me is the best gift I can offer.

I love you my sweet boy... (your Italian/Cimildora clan/worrying) Mommy